Top 10 News Reporting Fails

They’re supposed to be informative. But from time to time, they can also be hilarious. “This construction is happening along North Michigan, starting at Houghton Avenue and going all the way to State Avenue. Drivers are down to the single lane in each direction” Welcome to, and today, we’re counting down our picks for the top ten news reporting fails. “Holly is a 13-year-old cat, who dislikes the outdoors and other physical activities [snort] [giggle] Encouragement from her owner and weekly visits to the… [inaudible]” [laughter] For this list, we’re counting down the most epic fails in the history of the news. “Could you tell us a little more of what you saw?” “I sure can, I was sitting on my front porch… grabbed a beer, and I f***ed her right in the pussy” These can involve reporters, ” F*** me, I can’t even, f**** up” [breathing] journalists, as well as anchors, and in-studio personalities. “The three victims were part of a CSX group…” ” F*** her right in the pussy!” “J-Lo’s new song, ‘Jenny from the Block’, all about Lopez’ roots…” In the modern age of 24 hour a day news, reporters, who at one time, did everything they could to be taken seriously are now pushed to treat lightweight fluff, as sincerely as world changing news. “Still a neighborhood gal at heart.” Perhaps Shepard Smith had had enough, so when he was given a story about Jennifer Lopez’ latest music video, he chose to inject something a little different into his delivery as a form of protest. “But folks from that street in New York, the Bronx section, sound more likely to give her a curb-job than a blowjob or…blo-block party…” Perhaps he had a thing for the singer and had something on his mind, or perhaps he just got mixed up and it came out wrong. Either way, this story took a turn for the dirty quite quickly. “Sorry about that slip up there, I have no idea how that happened… but it won’t happen again, and that’s your news.” “We’ve got a plane crash, 29th and King Drive.” One of the most important aspects of bringing the news to the public is cultivating an ability to get to the truth of any story, and not let lies and deception deter you. “Oh, we are…” “Are you kidding me?” “…just getting word that this is being, uh, shot as part of a TV show.” “So there you are.” “Are you kidding… they might want to tell the news folks.” How someone in the chain of command of this news station was not able to stop these anchors from treating this TV set as a legitimate crash scene will never cease to amaze us. “You think they have these problems at Channel 7? I don’t think so.” We can only imagine if the copter camera panned a little bit more to the side that there would have to be cameras, crew, and maybe even trailers or catering, fully in view. “We do have some more breaking news… that we can go back to my computer for the live…” “This is from Skycam 9.5.” [laughter] [laughter] “Uh, there is something going on near Soldier Field. [siren] If you are in that general vicinity, [soft explosion] you are advised to take cover…” “Hello, good morning everybody. I am here with my friend John…” When you first wake up in the morning and find your way to the nearest TV, one of the last things you’d probably expect to see is a grown man slammed into the sea. “Fox 5 Morning News starts, look over there…” “And it starts right now!” Using a water-powered jetpack when you have what we presume is little TV experience may sound like a fun idea at first, but it also may just lead to internet infamy. “Ooooh, my gosh…” “What is that?” When the anchors burst out into uncontrollable laughter at your misfortune immediately thereafter, then that fate is virtually ensured. Still looks wicked fun, though. “It’s a water powered uh…uh jetpack” “It almost took Matt Johnson down with him? That looks like fun.” “I love forces and speed and… dynamics… I’ve been fascinated…my whole life to do this… and I don’t want to do it anymore!” [laughter] Another morning show, this time in Australia, sent a reporter on a mission he couldn’t handle. “Australia backhold behind me the greatest…blech… there is” Up in the sky above Earth, at the mercy of a pilot who’s used to the rigors of plane tricks, a mild mannered presenter made the mistake of encouraging a man to push him to his limits. “You…your career should be a spewologist! You make people spew for a living!” [laughter] The look of just holding back vomit and exhilaration on his face soon gives way to one in which he seems at peace as unconsciousness kicks in. “Here we go, right, and then we go left, let’s go…” [gagging] “Squeezing, squeezing, squeezing…” “Keep squeezing, keep squeezing…” “Oh, he’s passed out! Oh God, we don’t wanna see, alright.” “Alright, it’s back to you Jim.” “Ollie, don’t let her go away. This… that’s a, what, does she have a response to, is she still there?” “What’s that?” “Did the lady just leave?” “Yeah.” There are few things in the world more awkward than suddenly finding yourself working under somebody who you were at one time, the boss of. “Because I was your boss once.” “Yeah you were, and are no longer, how’d that happen?” Probably the worst case scenario is when you find yourself at odds with him while live on television. But at least you can rest assured that your embarrassment is creating some amazing TV for the rest of the world. “Right, so what do you want now?” “Well, if I have to teach you how to be a reporter, Ollie, I’ll do that later.” “Oh well, why don’t you do that later Jim, but I think the lady expressed herself.” We can’t help but love every second of this anchor and reporter engaging in school yard level taunts in which should otherwise be a very serious environment. “Is there any question you would like me to ask her?” “No, I’m – I – I’ll give you lessons on how to become a reporter later…” “I’ll give you some lessons on how to be an editor.” “Your news leader in high definition.” “Gay f***ing shit.” “Good evening, I’m Van Tieu. You may have seen or newest re… A.J. on NBC North Dakota News and he’ll be joining the weekend news team as my co-anchor.” At one time, the world of television was dominated by a few networks that had a stranglehold on what you saw on your sets. As a result, only the most seasoned, experienced people got the chance to helm the news. In our modern world, where there are seemingly as many stations as there are stars in the sky, there are many more oppurtunities for unknowns to grace your TV. “Tell us a little bit about yourself, A.J.” “Uh, thanks Van, I’m very excited. I graduated from West Virginia University and I’m used to, um, you know, from being from the east coast.” An example of why that’s not a good thing. A.J. Clemente’s first seconds on air were stained with vulgarity and awkwardness that got him fired. “Runners participated in the London marathon today, less than a week after the bombings.” As well as on Letterman, talking about his mistakes. “Went home, crawled in bed and called my parents.” “Yeah, and what did they say, ‘Oh, don’t worry about it.'” “At first they were, uh, you know, it was an emotional conversation, obviously.” “So A.J., who won the London Marathon?” [laughter] “Ready to try it?” “Yeah, sure.” “Let’s go!” “How disgusting.” “Alright, you ready? Give us a 30 second time. Here we go!” Arguably, there is nothing more visceral than seeing or hearing someone in extreme pain and knowing exactly what is going through their mind. After trying to trick her opponent into momentarily stopping her grape stomping, the reporter falls face first into the ground. “Stop!” “Oh, ahh!” [yelping] “Ow, I can’t…” “Ow, ow, oww!” She’s clearly in extreme pain and most of us can relate in the immediate aftermath of suffering. Many of us may try to put up a front that the experience isn’t as bad as it seems. So it would take an all encompassing pain that our brains wouldn’t be able to ignore to make us drop that façade. “Stop, ow, stop!” [yelping] “I can’t breathe!” “Stop!” [crying] The end of this news segment is the incarnation of that effect, and we can’t stop listening to it, though we’re also cringing at the same time. “Oh dear.” “I think she’s actually hurt.” “You know, I think she is.” “Youch!” “She’s hurt, she took a hard fall off there.” “Gosh, I hope she’s okay.” “Okay.” “Well, the Ballstate softball team continued to play this weekend and they were hoping to continue off of their straight 3 out of 4 losses.” You’d think that the two segments of the news that seem most clear cut and easy to handle would be the weather and sports. “Tomorrow’s game would be the… …meeting between the two… …beating both… …first…” [sigh] The latter is often times just spouting stats and scores with a few moments of personal opinions or witticisms thrown in. “They started off good, but then eventually, but the Ballstate women’s bet…women’s team was shot down and ended up doing poorly… “Oh no.” As such, many couch potatoes who love sports may fancy themselves a good fit for the role. If you happen to know someone with delusions of grandeur about their potential as a sports caster or reporter and you want to shut them up, then this clip is for you. “It seems last… …week player on… It seems every week that you have a player… [soft] I’m so sorry.” Sometimes incapable of even stringing a sentence together, this reporter can only spout one memorable line convincingly. “Later he gets the rebound, passes it to the man, shoots it, and boom goes the dynamite.” “And that is it for us today…” [sniffles] “No there it is. We are gonna do Sting, yeah.” “Okay, but…” “No, I can’t read it, there’s no words on it!” Unlike some of the other reporters on this list, Bill O’Reilly is a very seasoned television personality. It may be because of that, that he feels comfortable being a complete dick while on set. “Alright go, go.” “In five…” “four…three…” When the teleprompter doesn’t display what he expects, instead of being a professional and working to rectify the situation, he at first barely holds in his unbridled rage and then completely unleashes it on those behind the scenes. “I don’t know what that means, ‘to play us out!’ What does that mean?” “To end the show?” “Yeah, yeah.” The fact that he’s aware that he’s being filmed by the very people he’s unleashing on speaks to his pompous belief that they’d never share the footage with others. Luckily, for all of us, he was very wrong. “We will leave you with a… I can’t do it! We’ll do it live.” “Okay.” “We’ll do it live! F*** it! Do it live! I could go write it and we’ll do it live! F***ing thing sucks!” Before we reveal our top pick, here are a few honorable, or in this case, dishonorable mentions. “Well a very very heavi, uh heavy devi…burtation tonight. We had a very deri, uh derison bite, let’s go ahead and Terris Chase in Los Cudobit, they had the pick” “What really happened on that Thursday here at Augusta High School that lead to Chris Wood’s death… [gags] the f*** is that? Shit! I’m dying in this f***ing country ass f***ed up town!” [laughter] [spits] “I so pale.” “You’re on air.” “Today, snow is crippling much of the Washington lowland. One of three inches of snow fell in Seattle and other areas.” “Still today, though significant rainfall still on the way. And for our area, so let’s uh… Oh my gosh! That was creepy! Oh, Chris, he had to be right on my head! Oh, just don’t like that okay, I gotta move! [screams] [laughter] “We’re going to interview Eric Weihenmayer who climbed the highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest. But he’s gay. I mean, he’s gay…excuse me, he’s blind.” “Erin, again, congratulations on your big hooters… Uh, ooh, um…” [laughter] “He said what?” “Wow, that was a slip of the tongue.” “What was that again?” “It takes a tough man to make a tender forecast, Nick.” “And I guess that’s me.” “Keep f***ing that chicken” [laughter] “Okay, I’ll do that.” “KTVU has just learned the names of the four pilots who were on board the flight.” When Asiana Airlines Flight 214 crashed on its final approach to an airport in San Francisco, it had the focus of eyes and ears worldwide. Even in this most grave of circumstances, there are those among us, that saw it as an opportunity for jokes and levity. “They are, Captain Sum Ting Wong,” “Wi Tu Lo,” “Ho Lee Fuk,” “and Bang Ding Ow.” “And the NTSB has confirmed these are the names of the pilots on board Flight 214 when it crashed. We are working to determine what roles each of them played during the landing” After years of falling for fake names, even Moe from The Simpsons may have balked at just how ridiculous a name like Sum Ting Wong sounds when read aloud. “Hey is there a ‘Butts’ here?” “Seymour Butts?” “Hey everybody! I want a Seymour Butts!” But somehow it still made it to live TV with the bay area’s KTVU Channel 2 news reporting several incorrect pilot names as fact. “I thought that it was racially offensive, first of all, and I didn’t understand how that went through.” “Even South Korean media expressed outrage.” “American media that has been driving the cause of the accident as pilots’ fault mocked the pilots’ names in a racially demeaning fashion.” Do you agree with our list? “Yeah.” What’s your favorite big news fail? “And it’s coming, there we go, look at him.” “We got a duck.” “We got a bird.” [wheeze] “I got a bird!” For more hilarious top tens published every day, be sure to subscribe to “…have been paying more at the grocery, but getting less. We’ll tell you how to get the most. The f*** are you doing?!”

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