Coming Home To Myself, Part One

Coming Home To Myself, Part One


– [Audience Member] I am angry with mom because she didn’t love me. – Okay so what is the situation? – [Audience Member] You
mean where was I when this happened?
– Uh-huh, when you were thinking the thought. When you were experiencing that. – [Audience Member] I’m in
my car and my sister told me that my mom knew that my marriage had ended and chose not to talk to me about it. – Okay so you wanna do the work? – [Audience Member] Yeah. – Let’s do it. (metal clanging) Was that a thermos that just rolled? (audience laughing) Was it a thermos? Wasn’t that lovely? (audience laughing) I heard the noise, I saw the image. God I love life. How many of you have had the thought that I’ll say blank and
you fill in the name. Blank doesn’t love you. It’s so popular. (audience laughing and clapping) Geez, okay. Okay so you’re in the car. – Yeah. – And your sister said
she knew about the breakup of your marriage? – Yes. – And your mother chose not to call you? – Yes. – Okay and that means
she doesn’t love you. – Yes.
– Is that true? – No. (audience laughing) – So close your eyes, you’re
in the car with your sister. And witness and tell us what you see as you witness how you
react, what happened when you believed the thought
your mother doesn’t love you. – I’m in the car behind the wheel. I pull over, I start to scream. My heart is racing, my temperature
goes up, I can’t breathe. I’m screaming, I’m screaming at my sister that I just can’t believe that she would know her
baby was in that much pain and she didn’t wanna give me a call. – Yeah, yeah. Now be there now, your
sister’s telling you your mother chose not to call you. Didn’t want to call you when
she heard about the breakup. So listen to your sister tell you that and drop the thought that
means she doesn’t love me. – So just listen to my sister? – Just listen to her, close your eyes, be there now, continue driving your car without the thought my
mother doesn’t love me. That means my mother doesn’t love me. Listen to your sister, look at the road, feel the steering wheel in your hands. Who would you be without the thought my mother doesn’t love me? – Oh I’d be a lot calmer. My heart’s not racing. I’m curious still. My heart isn’t pounding. – So my mother chose
not to call me when she heard about the divorce
because she does love me. Isn’t that a turnaround? Try it on. – It’s a chance she was
respecting my space. I hadn’t told her about the breakup. Yeah, she had no way. You didn’t tell her. But I’m learning something about you. You’re very sensitive. – I don’t have to turn that around. (audience laughing) – My mother didn’t call me and that means she doesn’t love me. I didn’t call my mother and that means. – That I don’t love her. – What would you do with that? – Must have been devastating for her that I didn’t call her and tell her. – It’s a conversation. You could call and ask. – Yeah. – And if you’re right, you can apologize and be upfront with her
the way you are with us. – Yeah. – It’s a beautiful thing. So let’s look at two. – Oh dear. (audience laughing) – What you write you do one. When you step into the next one you’re more enlightened than
you were when you wrote it. You do two, your mind is more enlightened as you step into three
than when you wrote it. – I want mom to reach out to me. I want her to throw her arms around me I want her to tell me
she’ll get me through it. – So when that state of mind in the car. You pull over, you’re
furious, you’re hurt. Turned around I don’t want. – I don’t want mom to reach out to me. I don’t want her to
throw her arms around me. I don’t want her to tell me
she’ll get me through it. – How does that ring with you? When you consider the
state of mind you were in. When your sister told you and
you were pulling the car over? – I was so ashamed. I’m just pushing her away because I was so ashamed of myself for the collapse of my marriage. – So now you have another
truth to share with her. So in that situation I want me. – I want me to reach out to me. I want me to throw my arms around me. And I wanna tell myself
I’ll get me through it. Oh yeah. (audience laughing) What did you say to your daughter? You’d be the mother
that you wished you had. – Yeah. If my mother can’t give it
to me, who does that leave? It’s the last place we look. Try this one on. I want me and read it again. – I want me to reach out. – To my mother. – To my mother. I want me to throw my arms around mom. And I want to tell mom that
I’ll get her through it. Yeah she was sad when my marriage ended. – She was? – She was sad, she loved my husband. I wanted her to love him. – So she loved the husband
you wanted her to see? – I wanted her to? – She loved the husband
you wanted her to see. – Yeah. – Not your husband. (audience laughing) – Yeah, my sense is it was
also triggering for her because when I told her I was
struggling with my husband, she would often say your father did worse. And so my sense is that I
was doing stuff that she, in leaving my husband I was doing what perhaps she didn’t have
the courage to do herself. – That gives more conversation
for the two of you. You can ask what was it like for you? In your own way it’s a conversation. So read that one again turned around. – I want. – Me to throw my arms around my mother and continue to read. – And tell her I’ll get me through it. Yeah that I’m okay. – Yeah. – Yeah. – Yeah. And you obviously are. – Yeah. – Okay the next one. – Mom should put her arms around her baby and say she’ll help me through it. – Yeah and have you asked her to do that? – No. (audience laughing) – So is she psychic? (audience laughing) – Oh that’s coming. (audience laughing) She should know how much pain I was in. (audience laughing) That I’m not a monster,
of course I was in pain. – So she should know
how much pain you’re in when you didn’t even tell her there was a breakup.
– Yes. (audience laughing) Yes. – Okay I’ll say it this way. It’s possible for your
mother when she has no idea. You hadn’t talked to her at that point. So turned around in that situation I. – I should put my arms around her baby. – Yes.
– Me. – Yes. – And say that I’ll help me through it. – Yeah. You know when I would
read these turn arounds. I would literally follow
the simple direction. – Yeah. – Living those turnarounds. – Yeah. – No one can understand me as deeply as I can understand myself. And there’s no one arms
I trust more than my own. And in that I’ve come to see
that all arms belong to me. – Yeah, that’s what brutal about this is just those points that
were being made earlier. I had no empathy for myself. I didn’t throw my arms around myself. – No. – I was brutal. – Yeah we are our own torture chamber. – Yeah but then why
would I have to blame her for being my own torture? – It’s how the mind works. It points away so it doesn’t
realize the source of identity or it loses identity. So the next one. – She should know how much pain I was in. – Is it true? – No. – No way. – No. – Not possible. – No. – I mean even when you tell someone, they still can’t know. – Yeah. – They can only imagine. She should know how much pain you’re in. How do you react when
your sister tells you about your mother and
you believe the thought that your mom should know how
much pain that you live in? – Yeah when I believe
the thought that she knew and didn’t call, it’s
devastating, I’m devastated. – Yeah and you knew you hadn’t called her. – Yeah. – What a wild mind. – Yeah that’s pretty wild, pretty nuts. (audience laughing) – So she should know
how much pain I live in. How do you react, you said pretty brutal. – Yeah. – Okay, it’s really brutal when you think the thought that she should how much pain you live in. You see an image of
your mother in the past and you see your mother
as uncaring in the future. – Yeah. – In in that you don’t recognize you’re being imaged, imagined. But you see that and you see that and then with what you’re
believing onto these images. Like this movie you’re stuck in behind the wheel of the car. The image of your mother
so cold and uncaring and you this waif without
your mommy loving, all of this going on. And when you’re witnessing that movie, that is the cause of this
traumatic experience. – Yeah. – You all understand that? So was your mother the
cause of your suffering or were you just in a really good movie? Not the self, not the self. We think that’s me, that’s me, that’s my mom, that’s my mom, so real. So you understand when I say no one can hurt me, that’s my job. – Yeah. – This is convincing. And this is all of life
you’re ever going to get. Too bad it’s not real. Or good, it’s not real. Too bad it’s not real
meaning on darn I’m wrong. – Oh darn I’m to blame. – Darn now I probably have to
love my mother or something. (laughing) I like the one in the movie
better, long suffering. And it’s to be respected
until we wake up to it. There’s got to be another way and it becomes always recognizable in the moment when you
take on this practice with the depth you’ve got. With your ability to see. It’s a gift. She should know much pain
I live in turned around. – I should know how much pain I live in. – That’s a lot of pain. Another turnaround, she should not know how much pain I live in. I haven’t called her. – That must have been confusing. – So let’s look at the next one. – You mean number four? – Mm-hmm if that’s the next one. – I need mom to want to support me. – So to be happy, you need your
mom to want to support you. Would that make you happy? – No. (audience laughing) – So is it true that you
need your mom to support you? – No. – That’s quite a question isn’t it? – Yeah, but it is possible I can be happy regardless. – You need your mom to support you behind the wheel of that car. Listening to your
sister, how do you react? What happens when you think the thought I need mom to want to support me. Now close your eyes and
see if you get in touch with the images of past future that you were witnessing
when you had the thought I need mom to want to support me. – Yeah I’m angry again. – And you’re seeing the
cause of your anger? You see your mom uncaring. – Yeah. – Then you see the future
where you know who she is and she’s just an uncaring woman. – Yeah, yeah it’s brutal. – Yeah and those are the flashes
that are running your life, hanging onto the wheel as
you listen to your sister. – Yeah, it’s devastating. It’s super cold. – Honey, who said
imagination is everything? He said I did. (audience laughing) Yeah, someone’s present. Anyway, imagination is everything but only everything. So who would you be
without that movie running, hands on the wheel,
listening to your sister? – Who would I be in that moment? – Mm-hmm. – A grown ass woman who
needs to give my mom a call. (audience laughing) – Yeah, looking at the
highway, responsible, hearing your sister. Not reading into it, just
listening to her opinion. – Yeah. – Her story. – Yeah. – Not believing or
disbelieving, just open. – Yeah. I think that openness is a big part of it. All those secrets about
who knew what when. That’s where everything gets sticky. – So I need mom to want to
support me, turn it around. – I need me to want to support mom. – Yeah. – And I definitely need
me to want to support me. – And one way you can do
that is to call your mom. I’m not suggesting you
do it, it’s just one way to support you. Call your mom and say
mom, we’ve separated, don’t know if you’ve heard or not. And I’m doing well, learning a lot and wondering how you are. – Yeah. – How you are with it
because I know you loved him. – Yeah. – You’ve said you loved him and I just wondered how you’re doing. And then listen. – Yeah. – And if you want something
from her, tell her. – Yes. (laughs) – Not tell her but if you
want something from her, ask.
– Yes. – And then she will or not. You know I told my mom one
time, I had done this work and I want her to tell me she loves me. And that wasn’t easy for me to sit in. Yeah It was not easy. – Yeah. – It was not easy.

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